Julia Neumann: Welcome to Radically Alive Women Edgecast, Clare Dubois. I’m really glad you’re here.
Clare Dubois: Thank you. It’s lovely to be here.
Julia: And I admit I’m also a bit scared you’re here because you have a voice, and my fear is not a problem, it just tells me “Yeah, I’m here with a woman that has a voice”, and I long for that in the world, to hear women speak. And when I reached out to you thanks to friends that said you’ve got to speak with Clare Dubois, you pointed out that planetary regeneration is not really your topic right now, it’s more personal regeneration, and I would love to hear from you a bit more about where you’re at and what’s moving in you, what’s alive in you.
Clare: Well… I don’t think anybody expected me to step down from Treesisters; the Persona I had in the world was a very strong one, as the founder and the front person of a global woman’s movement and I thought that was for the rest of my life, I think everybody thought that was for the rest of my life and I didn’t see it coming what happened and it was interesting because I was ill for a long time, so I was working flat out for like 12 years… and I founded Treesisters, I co-founded it with a wonderful woman my dance teacher called Bernadette back in England and we did not know what we were doing. It was like I was given this brief from Life in a car crash and it was just huge and enormous and frightening and I had zero experience and yet I couldn’t argue with the fact that women understanding the nature of their own bodies as nature, and rebuilding that relationship with the natural world to the extent that you would want to protect and want to nurture and want to reforest, which is
what we were doing, tropical reforestation, made sense. I was like: “Okay we’re going to have to try.” But I didn’t manage to do it in any way that was healthy for myself. I carried vastly too much responsibility, and I was running the pain of the planet through my body on a daily basis because
I didn’t know how to separate from essentially environmental catastrophe which is what we’re going through and if you’re in the world of trees, you know we funded planting of I think 24 million trees by the time I resigned, but we lose between 14 and 40 million trees a day so, I didn’t feel like I scratched the ass of the issue frankly, but, you know, what I was really trying to do was help women, was work with women, which we did beautifully actually, and it was amazing and wonderful and I miss it terribly, but I couldn’t stop, like, I couldn’t stop. There
was just this constant drive inside me partly despair what was going on with the planet, and partly because I was driving over the top of a vast amount of trauma, so there was these big splits and fractures inside myself, and they were all suppressed down and I was doing
the self-validatory dance over the top of it where it’s like, you know, unconsciously we will do anything not to feel the stuff that our nervous systems and our minds and our bodies basically said “that’s too much, I can’t handle it, I’m gonna suppress it”. And about two years before
I left, I went and had an astrological reading, and he was like “No, no, no, let’s do tarot” and I was like “no, no, no, let’s do astrology”, he said “No, no, no, let’s just do tarot”, and we did this tarot spread, and he was just like “wow, well this whole spread was Major Arcana and he said “you don’t have any choice, this is going to be taken away from you. You are going to lose everything, and you might as well quit now, because it’s going to be taken away from you, and if you don’t it’s going to be really gnarly and you have to stop everything, your body needs rest. Like, you have to stop
everything, and if you don’t you will be stopped.”
And I’m like “no, no, no, no that’s not happening anytime soon, like not… a not a chance, let’s ask a different question”, so we asked a different
question, did another spread, and he was like “Wow, you might as well quit now because you’re going to lose everything”. We did three spreads, they all said the same thing and I didn’t listen because I couldn’t comprehend not doing Treesisters, it was me, it was what I was for, it was my life’s
purpose, it was the answer, you know, it was like “Oh my God… anyway. So, what he said came true, it was horrible, it was a difficult ending and I got very sick, you know, it was touch and go for me. It was like complete physiological breakdown, all systems and which turned out to be severe heavy metal poisoning, pesticide poisoning, mold poisoning, I didn’t know I had the mold, and so I was starving, I was gone, I’d gone into cellular defense mechanism, or cell danger response, essentially where the cells basically shut down and they’d been shut down probably for the majority of my life because I’d been poisoned living in a home with lead pipes that had severe mold and I just hadn’t realized why I couldn’t get rid of the metal and it was because of the mold, so I’d had an endocrine collapse and a digestive collapse and my mind was on.. it was like not all right, my brain it was full of metal and one by one my systems were going down and I was still working 60, 70 hours weeks over the top of it, and so life just went “Smack! We’re taking you out” and complete incapacitation – had to leave, resign, and right at the point of letting the board know that I was going to have to go because, my health was taking me out I decided to make a journey back to my childhood home in England, I live in California, and my father was the Headmaster, it was a boys boarding school, I lived in a boys boarding school and he was part of a pedophile ring and I was one of the kids that was part of the pedophile ring when I was growing up and stuff went down in that school that I’d never been able to go back and I’d just never been able to go back and address it, and it turned out that there was a new… that it was now girls and boys school and
that there was a Headmistress instead of a Headmaster and it was like, it was safe for me to reach out to this woman and say “I need to come, I need to come to your personal quarters and this is what happened, but the school actually burnt down after my father was removed and I need
to come and see the rebuilt building, I need to put a new… I need to put new memories in where the old ones were.” She was amazing she wrote back and said “Whatever you need, however we can help” like she was just an angel for me and so we went back to England and we went back to the school and she took me around and she let me go into her Quarters on my own and, and then she sat me down and she said “Clare I want to go to the police, it was never reported was it, what happened to you?” and I said “No”. Did I want to go to the police? And… this is relevant to your question by the way, not just a long ramble, and I was like “There’s no point, he’s dead, he died like you know 20 however many years ago” and she was like “No, there is a point because they’re looking for the pedophiles of the, the 70s and 80s and other kids would have been involved and you know what happened to him afterwards?” and I was like “yeah he went on to the next school and he went on to the next school because nobody reported him because of the fear of hurting the school’s reputation and so she (called) the pedophile division of the Northumberland police and I got to speak to them and at the time when she said it I was just like okay whatever I’ll talk to them but it’s not going to change
anything, and then the day before I actually got to speak to them, I collapsed and I couldn’t understand what was going on my body stopped working, and we were up on a mountain in the Lake District and I started falling and Mark caught me and I went into a state of terror and the terror
was that I was going to be caught and I was going to be found out and I, and I realized that I’d been carrying the monster that my father was as me all my life and even though psychologically I’d been aware of that possibility I couldn’t access it, I couldn’t get to it until the first person in my
life which was Kate the Headmistress said: “What happened to you was a crime, it was a crime.” And her support and then the incoming energy of the police gave my system enough resource to spit the lie up which was “I was the monster” and the reason I tell you that story is because that moment when I suddenly, like inside me I was able to shift from “I’m the monster” to “Oh my God, no, my dad’s the monster. Oh my god there it is I’ve got the key, the key turned, in comes the support”, all my self-validatory behavior that was the, the striving over the top of the sickness, dissolved in that moment and then my body was like “I can’t do any more.” And that was it. That was the end of Clare the environmentalist that I had been for however many years, probably 15, 16 years. She left the building. And what took its place was “And now it’s you, and now we rebuild this body, like it’s time for trauma work, like that… the past needs to be removed from your body and then we’re going to build a new self, we’re going to build a new life on the top of an actual congruent foundation, not this just living over the top of all of this fracturing and all of this trauma.” So that’s what happened. I mean I literally turned on a dime.
It was gone. There was… where this insane push had been, was complete flatline, I would not have believed it was possible, like to turn a corner and it’s just gone. So now, you know, I live with my husband Mark who’s another avid environmentalist and he’s like “Do you want to come to this, do you want to come to that, do you want to listen to this?” – “No. No. No. No.” Like there is nothing in me that can engage environmentally. Nothing. Unless I’m in my garden making soil, growing my food you know that I can totally do being in nature, have to be in nature, need to be in the trees still in the trees but I can’t engage environmentally it’s dropped me so deeply into my own process of recovery and healing that I’m back where I was before I became an environmentalist which is essentially: this is consciousness shift issue for Humanity, this is our psyches made visible what we’re doing. The repair job is epic epigenetic trauma work that’s required in order for us to defracture and we cannot create
a coherent world unless there’s coherent selves.
So, I’m doing that work and I actually feel now that what I’m doing with the trauma work, it’s easily the deepest work of my life and it’s easily the
most important work of my life because I’m in the stuff of “How do you, how do you heal a human being? How do you heal a human being to the extent that then what is going to arise through them from that point is only going to be an expression of coherence and health?”
Treesisters was absolutely beautiful, but it wasn’t healthy, because of the insane hard work that it was, you know, if you burn yourself out doing what you’re doing, you’re not in balance. There was no balance. And, you know, I can understand that trying to do something through feminine principles in a patriarchal world that demands measurables is never going to allow you to operate the way that you would need to operate to be in Integrity with the wisdom of living systems. We couldn’t do it, we tried everything, we couldn’t do it. I think that world’s up ahead where it might be possible but I didn’t manage it. That’s my very long answer to your question.
Julia: Thank you. I deeply resonate with this necessity to be fully in Integrity, it’s like the revolution actually happens here first. And what comes up for me is also… I heard you in another interview speak about de-patriarchalising yourself, or something like that. It’s like really, you know, it’s not about healing patriarchy because patriarchy cannot be healed. It’s like this is, it’s more about removing yourself from it that’s how I would see it, it’s like when women really remove themselves from patriarchy in here or remove patriarchy out of their system that’s the healing work then these new systems can be born through women, through the feminine, and men holding space for it also. It’s not about women against men, but this necessity to really birth the feminine, and that means to make space for these new ways of being that we might not even know how they go.
Clare: There’s two ways I look at it. In fact there’s probably lots of ways I look at it, but there’s two really easy to visualize ways of looking at it. One is… like the river of the soul. The river of the soul has been dammed multiple times like there’s dam, after dam, after dam, like, one of the hardest things for me about moving to America was discovering that almost every river is dammed multiple times here and they’re all turned on and off, so they go up and down like being in a river that’s rising it’s just like “What on earth is going on?” and it was just like “Oh no they’re doing a release” and I’m like “You mean this isn’t a Wild River?” and it’s like “No this is not a Wild River” and it was just like Wow, okay, well that’s what’s been done to women. I mean actually, truthfully, it’s what’s been done to everybody, men and women and everybody in between that is alive right now because we’ve been so conditioned into the patriarchal format of what value is and what is acceptable and how a human is supposed to fit into a system that is essentially sick.
But what I realized with the dams is the river is the river you can’t get away from the river, like the river is the soul. The soul is perfect and
complete, unharmed, but then there’s how we’ve coped with the traumas that we’ve been going through and it’s just like “okay, I need to shut that part off, I need to shut that part off, this is too much, this is too much, oh let’s just… let’s hide this…” So, the dams that we’re dammed up with are also our own energy, like we’ve done the damming and so it’s like the river gets less and less available to us because we’ve become so modified and compromised, but we’re the mortar and we’re the bricks and so that process of undamming ourselves, or reclaiming ourselves, like nobody else can do it for us. It’s like we have to become aware of where we’re held back, how much that affects us, whether we’re willing to keep living that way, and then do the work of dismantling our own obstructions to our own power and you know the internalized patriarchy, we’ve all got it,
it’s just like how we’ve sucked up the system in order to be acceptable in a world that has these codes that make no sense in accordance with life and living systems. And the other way I look at it is the light of your own soul, the light of you is like this irrepressible Brilliance that is Source,
or spirit, and then there’s these like Russian dolls or like the, the containment or the veils, the stains, the energetic structures that our light is trying to shine through and we’re, we’re trying to come home to the light that we are and I feel like when you turn towards yourself, everything that’s between you and yourself is debris. Call it the dams in the river or you could call it the stains that we’ve internalized and physiologically that’s our epigenetics, you know, this isn’t mine this belongs to my lineage, this was, this is a encodement of DNA with all the on/off genes that are the history of my lineage, and then there’s my soul that is sitting in it, so my soul light is illuminating the epigenetic story of my ancestors right here. There’s nothing I can do to get away from that so there’s a basin full of, of inherited trauma that’s there and gifts as well, but my experience now is when I can come back to the light that I am, and I can become aware enough of that to feel where it’s pressing up against where I’m not, so, the lies
that are internalized is, that is everything other than we are love and we are Source, we are perfect, anything that’s not that is a lie. Then, when you remove your energy from the stains or the debris and you bring it back to the source of who you are, when you bring it back to the depth of your own self, this dissolves. It dissolves, it changes, and we don’t get to control what happens to that, we get to control how deeply connected to ourselves we are, and that seems to determine the rate of dissolution or liberation out of what we’re not, so I think the homecoming or the invitation is to really be so aware that the world that we’re living in is a representation of profound woundedness, born of dissociation and fracturing and to be able to see it and to kind of pull our energy out like to to divest, to not buy into it, to not buy into the manipulation and the fear mongering and the war mongering and… all the mongering, and just to be able to look at it and go okay wow look at that, that’s a play. That’s a play of the stains. That’s the stains, like, against each other. That’s not me, that’s not us, that’s not what we are, that’s an expression of a large amount of undigested pain. Okay, well, what’s my job in that? My job is to understand how my pain hooks into that and gets dragged in and gets subsumed, how I make that conscious enough to, to disengage, come back to the Love that I am, and be able to approach all of that from a place of connected Love and then create this different currency, which is a conscious Love over here, and then use that to create like a, like a magnetic vortex, like a vortex that is spinning in a way that calls to it more of the Love.
You know, to self- strengthen and that’s where, you know, I was… I was just helping to open a Goddess conference that was originating out of the Tibetan myth that I heard before I created Treesisters which is: When a thousand Goddesses gather, the divine feminine will rebirth through their
combined energies and the frequency of the planet will shift from one of fear to one of Love. And so there’s this ancient Tibetan myth, or invitation that says: When enough conscious Women dissolve their ego sufficiently to merge, you can become a Gateway for the birthing of a completely different, a completely next octave, I mean God knows how many octaves, up of the sacred Feminine principle that is alive in all of us, can bridge in and… and create a different reality. And the Kogi, the Colombian Kogi, indigenous leaders, will say that only that that originates out of feminine
principles will survive the end of 2026, from then on it’s a different world. It’s going to be a hell of a different world. Anyway, so our, as Women, taking responsibility for, it’s not a word but I call it the re-sacredisation of the Feminine, like our conscious claiming of what is essentially deep Cosmic and Earthly feminine power, life force, as sacred, like that being the core of our awareness of what we are, that… that starts to change everything. And that’s where we need each other, that’s where it’s… it’s in Sisterhood that’s where it’s… the forest floor of roots woven together, we hold each other and we become that gateway to a higher Consciousness that is waiting for us to wake up to who we really are and who she is.
Julia: I notice my sadness of my longing for that to go faster and I guess it’s not… we’re not able to accelerate it other than showing up, and every one woman showing up really makes a difference, so I appreciate that you’re showing up with that.
Clare: Well to the world I’ve disappeared but actually in myself I’m showing up for myself, for her, for… you know, I’m embodying the possibility of crawling out from underneath my own massively internalized patriarch, I mean I was the monster. You know that… that journey of
self-liberating, of being able to understand: I am not that, we are not that. We’re not that. We’re not what we’ve been taught, we’re not what we’ve been cultured into, you know, it’s nothing to do with who and what we are, actually, and I think it’s a pretty scary time to be alive but I think it’s an incredible time to be alive, like it doesn’t get more edgy than this and, I mean two years from now it’ll be decidedly more edgy, but nevertheless it’s like we’re… we’re in the birth canal and where we go from here really is determined by the Courage that we have to go inside and reclaim ourselves, like our own capacity to, to tune ourselves to the frequency of our choice as opposed to the default manipulative chaos that we’re swimming in, it’s just lies, as far as I can make out, there is access to truth in here, like our hearts are woven into the mainframe of creation and the mainframe is about to get very, very interesting and the mainframe includes, you know a galactic, like, we’re not alone in the universe. No way are we alone in the universe and you know I’ve… that’s been my experience since childhood, so it’s like I’m super clear because I’ve lived it, but it’s coming, like the world it’s like there’s a rupture and, um, the off-planet civilizations are, they’re around, I mean you just have to look up in the sky at night, they’re around and they’re increasing their presence, so like there’s a, there’s a cosmic birthing that’s also happening for our planet and we’re here for that, we’ve chosen to be here for that so it’s, it’s just, it’s a very intense time to be alive for all of us, very, very intense time to be alive.
Julia: And then we get to choose, do we say yes to the intensity, or do we numb ourselves to it and you know it’s like one, one thing that you spoke of in the 2020 I think BATGAP interview was that you heard a friend say to her son “women are learning to do magic” and I relate that to the
journey that you’re on that the magic is really in here, it’s about this connecting to the Source that each of us is, and then being connected to unseen forces and honoring that and making use of all the resources there are beyond our humanness.
Clare: I was told by a channel … God, back in 2015 I think it was, and she, they basically said, they were beings from the future –
amazing talking to them actually – they said: “Clare, if you don’t stop, you’re going to be dead in three weeks.” This was like, I mean my health was already really compromised back then. “If you don’t stop judging your species, you’re going to be dead in 3 weeks and that requires you to stop looking at everything that is dead and dying, all the different systems that are struggling, everything that is going extinct, like you have to literally pull your attention out of that because you’re poisoning your body with it and you need to start looking at everything that is growing and healing
and regenerating, you’ve got to hook back in to the energies of Health on the planet or you will die.” And I’ve never been so kind of like, it was literally “Hello, can we be frank with you? You’ve got three weeks to live.” I mean it was just like “Boom!”, like Smack! you’re like “whoa” you know I’m not used to channeling anything being quite that in your face, but that very strong message of “you need to divest your attention from everything that is dying and you need to invest your attention into everything that is regenerating and healing” was such a powerful, powerful Pivot Point, learning point, and, you know, learning how to because it’s not denial it’s not, it’s not “okay everything’s peachy I’m just going to look at what’s growing”, it’s like… it’s all still there but it’s learning how to arrange your awareness that you can be with it without being flooded with
it, without like digesting it into yourself. It’s like, it’s there, everything that’s going on in the world, I can see it, I’m present to it, I’m not in denial about it, I’m not looking away from it, and we’ve got to be very careful what we eat, you know, emotionally, mentally… because we’re making
ourselves out of all the input that’s coming in so unless you can filter the input and bring in what’s nourishing then we’re going to get, we’re going to get poisoned, and so this word really struck me again when you said it, the choice, like what we’re choosing, where we orient, what we plug into.
What is out there that is strengthening when we, with discernment, with that innate body wisdom that knows, that can feel: this drops my energy, this lifts my energy, like how we value ourselves enough not to let ourselves get sucked down into the morass, and actually to grow the muscles of
such radical levels of self-care, like, discernment, energetic discernment is such a ground of actual self-care, you know, there’s the all the resting and the whatever else that we need to do in order to recover ourselves, but the awareness, the tuning fork the… the what is healthy for me right now? What is nourishing for me right now? What regenerates me right now?
They also told me that I was a proxy for Gaia, that I was running my life as an experiment to see how far can you push a human body before it dies? How far can you push a planet before it’s so far gone there’s no reclaiming her? And so I’ve also, you know, because I’ve gone through what she’s gone through like rape of the Earth, the poisoning of the Earth, the like what she’s gone through, my body has very much gone through, I’ve done it very loudly, and so then it really has been a case of okay when you’ve got an almost full system collapse going on, how do you… like, is it possible to pull this body back? Can I bring myself back and um just even in the last two weeks, I mean I’ve been sick with another round of covid, but even during that time I was just like “Okay, I’m so damn sick that means my system is open that means I am available for change, that means the fevers can pull stuff out.”
I did it right over solstice so I’m sick at the most powerful time of the year, major full moon, it was like “okay I’m going to, like, trauma work my way through this illness, I’m going to use the disintegratory assistance of illness to purge, and my body until I was in my mid 20s couldn’t
sweat at all, like that that system was shut down. Then I did a Vipassana 10day meditation retreat and on day eight I had a massive breakthrough and I started to sweat a little bit, and so I have sweated a little bit all my life like just enough to sort of my mother would say glow, you know, just become a little bit dewy, but you put me in a sauna, I would never drip, like dripping was not in my repertoire, and in the middle of this illness, and the trauma work that I was doing, I was remembering a past life where I was skinned alive as a woman, and that trauma of losing my skin was
what was preventing me from sweating, and so I went through this healing process over a course of trauma sessions, I grew my skin back the second I grew my skin back I started sweating like a waterfall, like a freaking waterfall, like, I sit in the sauna now, I put my head down and I have
water dripping off my eyelashes like drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, and I was just like “I’ve got the River of my skin back” like who knew, who knew that what was inhibiting that, like my body couldn’t detox, it was part of the reason why I was so poisoned, my body couldn’t detox. Okay, I was able to follow back into the system that was dammed, I was able to take down the dam with my awareness, and the river started flowing immediately, like it’s an enormous change, this is the biggest organ in my body, it is now fully functioning, I am detoxing like a fiend um you know I can sweat and
it’s like, yeah, this is the truth about the nature of things: when there is sufficient Consciousness, sufficient willingness, a deep enough choice to recover, recovery of like, it’s a massive system in my body, it’s just come online overnight, literally overnight, now it’s not overnight because there’s
been an awful lot of trauma work to get to the place where I was ready and strong enough to deal with that, because that was gnarly, but there it is: recovery like night and day, an hour apart. So I look at, I look at the Regeneration of my own body that’s going on, the strength of it, the amount of Consciousness it’s taking, the choicefulness that it’s taking, and it’s just like “yeah we have no idea what we’re capable of”, like we are so powerful, you know, and I’ve been doing that largely solo, I mean I’ve got an amazing support system around me but when women gather, like really gather and really choose and really understand who we are, and really tap in and allow that greater energy to come through us, oh we could change the surface of this planet I’m so… I mean that was why I did Treesisters in the first place. I know it’s true: When women come back into
our power collectively, I mean there had to be a reason why we had 300 years of witch burnings, like the fear of feminine power on this planet is so damn strong, well she’s not going to allow it to stay suppressed it’s, it’s against life if life… life is stronger than… than male egos, you
know it’s stronger than patriarchy, like, we don’t understand why we have to go through these Cycles, why that was a necessary part of our Evolution with patriarchy, but we’re coming out of it we’re in the Death Rows of it it’s why it’s so ugly right now. It’s trying to dissolve
itself, I believe that. Because it’s not true. The truth is the Masculine bows to the Feminine and the Feminine bows to the Masculine and there is this beautiful Union between the two. That’s the truth, that’s what we’re going home to we have to go home to it because that’s the truth
of life and truth will always win, ultimately.
Julia: It’s also the pull or push of evolution, right, like it, it moves towards that, and I’m also convinced of that, and what I…, like, an aspect that
I’m noticing as you speak is also the Shadow the necessity of the Shadow work where, you know, women have played along, I have played along in patriarchy, every woman, without women supporting patriarchy or making ourselves small,… in whichever way we’ve supported patriarchy, it wouldn’t exist. So there is also this transformation force in our own unconscious. I heard you mention that before, that it’s about becoming conscious, and I believe that you know a bit about Shadow work, do you have anything to say about that?
Clare: I have so much experience of Shadow work at this point, I mean my life has been a life of recovery really from my upbringing uh and
it’s been a lot more shadow than light, frankly, but I sometimes refer to the suppressed parts of ourselves as our own internal prison system, like we’ve got this horrendous, you know, military-industrial prison system on our planet, well, we’ve got them inside ourselves as well, we’ve
got all the parts of us and I’m really including our epigenetics in this because it’s encoded in us, all the parts of our ancestry where we have gone through things that we cannot cope with and so we have suppressed them and coped over the top, all the lies all the deceits all the horrors all
the just, just horror, horror, horror what humanity is capable of doing, and massive difficulty, massive, massive difficulty and you know we haven’t had a culture on this planet that knows how to… no I’m telling a lie we have had cultures on this planet it’s like when you hear Pat McCabe, amazing Dine Light Warrior, Woman Stands Shining, when you hear her talk about her culture the Native American Cultures, the First Nation of this continent who believed in original Beauty rather than original sin, and who if somebody went off the rails it was considered a community issue because the community had failed them sufficiently that they started misbehaving and so rather than being sent away to jail they would be brought back into community and the community would take responsibility for helping them reconnect to their original Beauty. The sin was a collective failing and so the community came back into healing to help the individual heal back to their original Beauty. When I first heard her talk about that I bawled my eyes out, it was like oh my god, there it is, like over here we’ve got the Western world’s it’s sin, you’re born into sin, you live sin, then if you’re lucky you get to go to heaven, meanwhile we’re going to incarcerate the most traumatized people on our planet who can’t manage their pain and so they’re acting out, you know, but so inside each of us, I, or inside myself I’ll speak for myself, I just found like I used to call it like the Mansion of myself with all these different wings and they were all walled off and I’d like locked the doors and then I’d wallpapered over them it’s like they don’t exist, this doesn’t exist, this doesn’t exist, this doesn’t exist, but they do. These agonized parts of us that are lurking around
devoid of all love with our rampant self-rejection going on that just pushes up again them so they’re looping in their misery constantly and then it’s just like oh my God I’m feeling this again and I’ve got this going on and this again it’s just like, yeah, they’re screaming for love, these parts
of us are screaming for love and we’re so afraid of accepting the shadow in ourselves in case it takes over, in case it’s the whole truth about ourselves, in case we never recover from it and where we cry forever, it’s just like it doesn’t work that way. Parts of us that are walled off that have
been rejected are parts of us that carry pain that is essentially, I believe anyway, in my experience is, an absence of love it’s just an absence of Love.
Like there’s the whole Octave of lovelessness that goes all the way from like depression to homicidal, you know, horrificness, like I’m going to strap bombs to my body and take down a school, you know it’s like, that’s a person in severe pain, that’s a person whose pain is so severe, only killing others in the most horrendous way even begins to scratch that itch, you know and everything in between, and I have a killer inside me, I’ve had that desire when I’ve watched people beat children in front of me, I could pick up a gun, it’s like okay, so nobody else can come in here and do the work of making conscious all the dissociated fractured off parts of myself that are, have been sitting in lovelessness possibly for time immemorial through my epigenetics, the only person who’s capable of flooding enough love in here to be able to unlock those chains and bring those parts of me into conscious awareness, where I can listen and understand and flood them with love and bring them back in so that the fracturing in here dissolves into a unification that then allows the light of my own soul to, to shine through something that
is coherent, so that I have the option to bring a coherence to life through whatever I create from here on in, rather than something that is trying to be coherent or trying to look coherent, but actually is always going to be fractured because you don’t get to choose what your light shines
through it shines through whatever you are, and if it’s full of fractures and shadow and undigested trauma that’s what you’re going to bring to the world, you know, and you’re going to bring it not because you’re bad, you’re going to bring it because it’s asking to be made conscious so to me
shadow work is like… it’s the way home, it’s the way back to wholeness, it’s the way back to health, it’s the way back to a wholesome unified world because everything that we express or create in this world is a reflection of what’s going on inside and so unless that work is done, unless we can bring ourselves back into coherence, we’re only ever going to create more incoherence. So there’s like this, this moment now of like wow can it get any worse than this? Well, maybe we’re just creating a situation so difficult that’s like in our faces, especially with climate change and the extinction
crisis, the politics over here in this country, it’s like we want to see it, we want to transform it, we want to, we wouldn’t be making it this loud for ourselves otherwise, so I feel like, you know, it’s the way home, it’s like, don’t be afraid, or at least that’s pointless to say, everybody’s afraid of their shadows, but find, like, understand that it’s lovelessness inviting love, and that the more we can touch into that shadow, the more the in, the greater our heart’s capacity for compassion becomes, the more we can hold the world as it is in a peaceful place of compassionate non-reactive love, which I think is our way out but it has to start with ourselves, so then it becomes:
Can you find enough support to be able to give yourself the gift of recovering yourself? Can you value yourself enough to go find the support
that’s needed to recover yourself? That’s the question.
Julia: Thank you, Clare, perfect question to end with.
Thank you so much for this download.
Clare: It’s a pleasure. Thank you for giving me space to … be the river.